So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
