Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
