dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
