I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
