how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
