You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Life is so much better after having sex.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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