All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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