I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
