well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
