Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
we're so committed to being not committed
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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