he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
