Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Two words: blizzard sex
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
