I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
