I think I won the penis lottery.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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