So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
people are starting to question the shark bite story
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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