I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
