you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
