I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
