I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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