rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
