Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
