i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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