Cold hands, warm shart.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
