I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
