why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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