Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
