so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
