so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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