How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
