New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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