is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
