You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
