She went from zero to smokin in five shots
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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