I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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