I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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