i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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