she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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