You're so nebulous sometimes
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So many bounce houses so little time
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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