Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
