Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
