I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
