They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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