you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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