if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
