I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
did i walk over a car last night?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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