I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
