They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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