matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
