Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
