she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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