imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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